7 Hour
Thursday, April 29, 2004
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
He screamed danger like no one had ears, but everyone heard him. He panicked as all heads turn in his direction. When all eyes were on him, he dropped to the floor in a cold sweat and hid his face.
Sometimes I wish I could just be understood. I dream of finding someone who can relate to me. I dream of relating to another person in a way that is not awkward.
He took off running down the street as if running for a medal. Almost as if the only ways he knows to fix problems, are things that don’t fix problems. He woke up dreaming, but lived out a nightmare.
Honestly, I don’t try to choose the wrong path. I try to think before speaking, or before doing something I will regret later. Have I ever thought first? Not that I can recall, do I have regrets? I have the same amount of regrets as choices I’ve made.
He parked his car on the bridge and got out. He locked the keys inside on purpose because he wouldn’t need them anymore. He looked down and apparently saw more of a future on the ground than on the ledge.
I have one last regret that words won’t take back. I have one last regret that was outlined in chalk. Even though I have forever to wonder if I did the right thing, I only need a split second to come to my answer. So what now? Do I sit and think back on all the times I thought I was the victim but really I was the killer. Do I sit and think about every time I felt sorry for myself when there was someone who needed my sympathy more than I did. What if I said live? Would it mean a single thing? I chose the life I had, circumstances handed to me, but the choices were mine. I chose not to risk anything; I played it safe and took the easy way out. I don’t know if I’m thinking clearly or I’ve been given answers because now I understand. I don’t think you would get it so I won’t explain, but I will say this, everything is something else to someone else. One persons day bad was some else’s worst day ever. One persons joke was another person’s insecurity. One person’s death will become someone’s strength and reason for living.
He sat there quietly. He said regret in the form of a single tear. He wrote down his feelings so others would know. He wrote down his words so he didn’t have to just live with them inside. He screamed danger like no one would ever hear him, but they all heard.
Sunday, April 11, 2004
“Twenty years ago”
Twenty years ago I was four. I was full of life then but somehow it was drained not long after. Nineteen years ago I was five, and although I’m sure I could see fine then, my minds eye was now blind to the fifth year of my life. When I was four I was full of life and not afraid of anything. My world was full of love and hope, it was one big dream. But often times people wake up from dreams only to realize they’ve never left their room. If only I could have seen above the counter maybe then I could have seen what was coming.
Lights were shinning and making imprints on my mind. Red and green, and every musical note that goes along with those colors filled my head. That priceless, timeless, life saving story of a newborn will never be forgotten. It was the last thing I remember before waking up in a daze twenty years later.
Everything was wonderful in the summer when I was four. Every Saturday my parents took me to the beach with them. I always had a glorious time in the sun and the sand. Blue skies and blue waves nothing could have been better, so why did it have to end? Maybe I was too busy building castles, building big dream in the sand. If I had known maybe I could have done something, or maybe just maybe there was nothing I could ever do, I was just along for the ride. The summer, no matter how good or bad it was will always leave that longing taste on your mind. My longing for that summer still has not gone away, I still long for both parents to take me to the beach. As summer led into fall, my happiness led into an emotion beyond sadness.
Fall was filled with falling leaves, and angry fights from the other room. It was filled with attention from my parents but never both at the same time. I sat by just waiting, wondering if this season of our lives would pass or continue on like a blizzard with no end in sight. Unfortunately it continued on right into December, right up until the night before Christmas.
The Christmas Eve service at church was bitter sweet. It was a wonderful time of the year, with everyone’s house decorated in red and green. With carolers singing tunes of salvation, who could ask for more? Well, I could. This night out of them all was the night my parents had picked to tell me we were not going to be a family anymore. They didn’t like each other and apparently I didn’t have a say in it. After that it gets hazy. I just remember going numb and my eyes closing. Next thing I know I woke up with a pen in my hand so I figured I better write this down before I forget anymore
“Meadow Road to Pourville”
I’m chasing my self. Chasing the past, which is chasing the future. I’m being followed. I walk slow pretending not know. Even steps and a steady pace get me where I need to go. I know I’m helpless and I feel it. There are only so many places I need to go before I go home and stop walking. I know Once I’m done walking I will be home standing still, seemingly just waiting for my follower to catch up with me. That’s why I keep moving.
I’ve seen my stalker’s face once or twice. He’s got that familiar face that if you were to pass by him you might think you knew him, but I can’t seem to remember if I know him or not. I don’t think I know him, but why would a stranger follow me around. Is it because he is trying to strike fear into my heart, or does he have other motives?
This is the first time in a week I’ve left my house, but now it’s time enough. My fear is gone, at least, enough for me to leave and get some groceries, and besides the store isn’t far. With a week under my belt of not venturing outside you would have thought I might think up strategies, or at least a plan, but no, I didn’t. All I have to do is turn the handle and open the door, and then I’ll be fine, at least I will be moving forward. After five minutes of standing here I finally open the door. My mind is going crazy but my feet surprisingly find the pavement in front of them just fine. Left and then right for miles it feels like but really only a few hundred feet. Then just like a needle at the doctors, I feel him and sharp pain shoots in my neck. He’s watching me, he’s there behind me, I know it. Like a reflex I didn’t I even know I had my feet begin to pick up speed carrying me closer to my destination.
As I entered the store it was like crossing the finish line of a race and my prize was peace of mind, and safety from the stranger following me. My prize didn’t last long though because within a few minutes I saw my unwanted companion enter, off the reflection of a glass window. Again this sense came over me that I knew him, but right now I didn’t have time to figure out from where. I darted down the third aisle hoping to lose him in the thousands of kinds of cereals. He walked by seemingly unaware. It worked, unlike in all the stories you read, I actually ditched my stalker. I know it worked because I saw him walk out of the store about five minutes later.
So here I am sitting next to the captain and a cereal that apparently isn’t for rabbits. Do I continue on shopping like I had planed to, or not? Well I can only sit here for so long so I better at least walk around. On my third lap around the store I noticed a man standing a couple aisles down from me, his back facing me. He caught my eye because he had on the same shirt I did. I looked down again and checked my shirt, and sure enough, they were the same. The weird part was, the shirt I was wearing was from summer camp years ago. This really intrigued me, or maybe subconsciously I was just looking for anything to take my mind off my current dilemma. I think I should go talk to him, I have no reason not to and maybe I know him, even though I didn’t recognize him from the back of his head. Where did he go? It seemed like in the time it took me to blink, he had walked away. Do I look for him or forget it? I decided to look for him, but he was no where to be seen. Just then as I glanced to the front of the store I saw him walking out. I took off in a slow jog down the aisle, quickening my pace the closer I got to the door. When I reached the entry way of the store I stopped to check which way he had gone. I saw him walking down the sidewalk away from the direction I had come. So with out really thinking I took off in almost a sprint after him. For the longest time it didn’t feel like I was getting any closer, but in what felt a good couple minutes I caught up to him, still walking away from me. I yelled out, but he didn’t stop, just kept on walking. Finally I caught up to him. I was right behind him, and he stopped walking. I took another step closer. He didn’t turn around or say anything; he just stood there facing away from me, looking forward.
Without hesitating or thinking I reached forward and put my hand on his shoulder. The second I touched his shoulder, I knew. The second I touched his shoulder, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I saw his head start to turn, but then I turned around to see who it was, but I already knew. I turn my head slowly and found I was right, it was the person that had been following me. He only said one thing, “you knew you could only run for so long before I would catch you.” I knew he was right and answered him with a nod. I turned back around to the person in front of me and he said “are you going to keep chasing me or not?” I felt the hand on my shoulder lift off and turned around to see the person behind me was gone. I turned back around to see nothing. The man in front had left, and there I was standing still chasing myself.
"Machine (for a) Heart"
Dare I say I have a machine for a heart? My words will not change weather I do or not, they simply express the ideas the metal box has. Although the tiny machine in my chest has served me well and produced emotions in abundance the time has come that we part ways. I haven’t been well in a while and I am fairly sure it’s because this heart is failing me, that’s what the doctor says at least. As I explain my current condition to you, I lay here on the table waiting for the only surgery that can save my life. My thoughts race around and around behind my face, but none of the thoughts really win the race. I’m only human so of course the worry gene kicked in last night and rendered the sleep I needed useless. With seven hours of lying in bed, you have plenty of time to think, so I did. I thought of how all this started, I thought of escape plans, and ways to deal with my exit wounds.
Two months ago was a day that the sun decided it needed to share its self with the world. I remember waking up and not giving much thought to it at all. However soon after waking up this pain like lions chewing your leg came from my chest. The pain dropped me to the ground and sat back and laughed as I lay there helpless. I was there on the ground until I opened my eyes again, how long was that? I don’t know because I think I passed out. When I opened my eyes there was definitely an appreciation for the sun that I had taken for granted this morning. I collected my thoughts that had been slung across the floor and I went on with the rest of my day. As I look back now I realize that that was a mistake on my part, I should have gone to the doctor. I have never had any medical problems and thus my reason for seemingly brushing off the surge of pain. Days after the incident I knew my heart wasn’t the same. It was slower, weaker, and although I have no formal medical training but I could have sworn there was a hole in it. So after my initial hesitation I decided I need the help of my doctor.
When I got to the doctors office, it brought back an unexpected amount of memories from all the times I had been here as a child. I used to love to come here. I wonder what happened, and why I was hesitant to return. My doctor was nothing short of wonderful, he mentioned how he missed seeing me and how it had been forever, which it really felt like it had been. Although the reunion brought seemingly bad news he assured me it was good news and the only way I would be able to keep on living. I won’t bore you with all the medical terms and analysis because frankly I can’t really remember what was said.
I just remember the final thing he said “you’re going to need a new heart”. Although that’s nothing you ever want to hear he said it in such a way that put me at peace and I knew it would be ok.
Weeks and weeks went by and I slowly began to discover what was wrong inside my chest. My heart was metal and the different parts were beginning to rust over. Of course that’s not exactly what was wrong but that's basically a summary. A few of the tubes that bring blood into my heart had closed for an unknown reason and slowly my heart was dying. It was a miracle to find a heart donor but miracles are happening all over this world and I am beginning to see them more and more the harder I look.
So here I am with nothing to lose. No one has a set amount of time they are going to live which means I have nothing to lose and but everything to gain. I lay here on the table waiting for my life to begin. My doctor leans over and at that moment my eyes begin to close. I feel no pain only peace. Dare I say anything but safety?
That was based on a true story. People receive new hearts everyday, and lives are changed. Battles waged, war treaties signed. Before without a cause, but with new hearts we’ve found our cause. Blood lost but hopefully not in vein of what we hold dear. So now is the time. Rise up, and let’s go
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
